About 6 weeks ago on a normal, emotionally challenging day here, I was reading 1 John and the word "abide" kept sticking out to me throughout the book...
"Now, little children, abide in Him..." (I John 2:28)
"...if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit." (4:12-13)
"...God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." (4:16)
It stood out to me so much that all I kept thinking and retaining through the whole book was that word. But what does it REALLY mean to abide?! It had to mean more than just "to put up with or tolerate" or "wait patiently for" as my online dictionary says. I felt that little urge to keep looking for something deeper. I felt like God was urging me to keep digging. I searched under biblical definitions of the word and was amazed at what I read at http://www.angelfire.com/band2/bluerosesandhxcbands/abide.htm :
"There are five different words in the original Greek and Hebrew for the one word (abide) that we have in our language. The first of these words, epimeno, is the strengthened form of another verb, meno, which means "intensive." The word epimeno sometimes indicates perseverance in continuing to do something. The second word, katameno, is a verb that means "constant residence" or "frequent resort." Another word, parameno, means "to continue" and is sometimes used to express confidence in abiding with a person. One really neat word is hupomeno which means "to remain in a place instead of leaving it; to stay behind or persevere." Finally, the word prosmeno is used in several different situations to indicate a persistent loyalty or a continuance in doing something.
In the above paragraph, the root from which all the other verbs come is meno which was defined as meaning "intensive." This is important because it indicates that the verbs that stem from this root have a meaning beyond the face value of the word...When we abide in something, we are loyal to it even unto death. When we abide, we remain in a certain place even when the rest of the world has left us behind. To abide means to continue doing whatever is being done even when it is hard and the urge to quit is almost too much. The word abide means to cling to something and have faith in it, even when it seems to have failed."
I never doubt God's realness or constant presence but sometimes I feel so distant from Him and I feel like I can't hear anything...other times I feel Him telling me to "wait" which is about as hard as hearing nothing...sometimes a Bible verse or song will resonate with me...sometimes I hear that still, small voice in my heart leading and guiding me...but rarely do I feel like God just proclaims loud and clear what I needed to hear at exactly the moment I needed to hear it and this was one of those times! I still don't know whether to laugh or cry when I read this definition because it fills me with that warm, fuzzy feeling as if God is just wrapping me up in a hug and speaking truth and comfort to my heart. So, ok, does it get any clearer than that?? God is asking Matt and I to ABIDE/epimeno with Him in this intensive trial and cling to Him. ABIDE/hupemeno in Haiti with our son and remain here without leaving and persevere even when it seems like we can't go on.
"Now, little children, abide in Him."
"...if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit."
"...God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."
...those verses mean a lot more to me after that. I've been dwelling on them and on the word. And if it wasn't clear enough that God was asking us to abide after that, it seems EVERYTHING I have read or listened to since then somehow incorporates the word "abide" and just preaches to me all over again. I love that. Most days.
About 2 weeks later, we got AMAZING news: we formed an AMAZING connection with someone high up in the Haitian government (I'm going to leave names out for privacy) who was graciously willing to do anything to help us and is close friends with the director of Haiti's social services/IBESR. That is the most dreaded step of the adoption process because they basically decide if and when we can adopt. It's referred to as "The Black Hole" and papers can get stuck there for 10 months. And there's still 4 more steps of the process after IBESR!! With this connection, our lawyer said we could be out of there in just a couple WEEKS!! We were thanking God over and over and over and just couldn't get OVER it!! Our connection told us that the director was more than willing to sign our papers for us asap and was so happy to do this favor for him (us!). So the past few weeks we've just been calling and checking up on the status and were going to find out last Monday that our papers were signed and ready to go on and we'd probably be home in just a few more months!
So last Monday came and as I was reading my Bible in the morning, the word "abide" stuck out, of course, in a verse in a totally different book that I was not in the mood to consider even though I denied that still-small-voice whisper, "Abide today." It was going to be an amazing, incredible day and we were about to find out the most hopeful news of our process so far, and I told God that I definitely didn't need to think about abiding today...please God, don't be asking me to abide today...
I dismissed the word quickly and thought about how thankful I was and I was going to praise Him all day long for the miracle that just happened for us! Later that afternoon, we called our connection as planned and got the update.
...then the shark attack music started playing. Well, it should have because it felt like our hearts just got ripped out of our chests. The director was replaced the day before she was going to sign our papers. Because, so conveniently, after months of delays to elect Haiti's new president, and then 4 more months of deciding on a prime minister so Martelly could finally start making changes in the government, it happened the week our papers were supposed to get signed. We were SO caught off guard. We were SURE God was setting up the perfect miracle for us that we'd been praying for the past 16 months. We were (and still are) SO exhausted from this emotional roller coaster. Seriously, every time we've received good news about our process, it's only days after until we hear bad news...this whole process feels like 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I was breathlessly sobbing on the phone to Matt saying I would never give up on adopting John, but I don't think I can live here without him anymore. Especially if now we had to realistically look at another year from now before we could go home. Why would God dangle that golden carrot in front of us and then take it away?!
...and then, of course, in the still-small-voice kind of way, I remembered shoving away that word earlier in the morning. "Abide today." Yes, it was true. Against everything I had in me, God was warning me and reminding me to abide intensively that day. To persevere even though the urge to quit was going to be almost too much. To continue in this place in loyalty to my family. And to cling to my faith even though it seemed to have totally failed me.
God is still good even though He didn't do what WE wanted him to do when WE wanted it done. He's still real, He's still listening to our prayers, He's still loving us, and He's still abiding with us even when WE don't feel like it. For the first time in my life, I have the time and desire to read through the Old Testament in the Bible. I always thought it was boring and irrelevant. But for some reason at this specific time in my life, it is mind-gripping. I am reading how over and over and OVER, God has turned the most TERRIBLE situations where everyone said, "Oh God, where are you and why are you letting this happen?!" and turned them into the most BEAUTIFUL, amazing revelations of God's mercy, relentless love, and sovereignty.
So maybe now Matt and I can finally accept that God doesn't always give us easy, perfect little seasons that go just as we imagined and prayed for...and if He did, would we ever even need a God to rely on?? I wouldn't. Because I've never before been stripped of every comfort, every familiar person and thing and identity I had until I came to Haiti to start raising my son and realized I could not do this if I didn't have God. If life went perfectly how I wanted it to go, I'd never realize my need for a Savior. These ridiculously hard months have tested my faith. They have been what God is using to fulfill His perfect (yes, perfect, even though my little brain can't comprehend how it's actually perfect yet) plan for our lives in the midst of a broken, suffering world in which He WILL and already DOES make beautiful things. And if He DOES make us wait another year to go home, maybe it WILL be that much more beautiful because of it. Because we chose to abide.
One of my favorite songs throughout this entire process (Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon) seems fitting to end this ridiculously long post:
The same sun
Rises over castles and welcomes the day.
Spills over buildings into the streets where orphans play
And only You can see the good in broken things
You took this heart of stone
And made it home
And set this prisoner free
...whatever's in front of me, help me to sing, 'hallelujah'
On a lighter note: he's terribly two but totally awesome!
