The last few weeks I have been living in despair. Yes, I know that’s a strong word but it’s definitely what I felt. I poured into the Psalms, feeling the pain of David as he wrote, “Hear my prayer, O Lord, Give ear to my supplications! Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!...my spirit is overwhelmed within me…My soul longs for You…my spirit fails; do not hide Your face from me, Let me hear your lovingkindness in the morning; for I trust in You…Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For the sake of Your name, O Lord, revive me. In Your righteousness, bring my soul out of trouble.” (from Psalm 143) I had my own little “temper tantrum” that could’ve given baby John some competition a couple days ago. I also felt guilty about my pity party, but it didn’t stop me from having one. WHEN will we go home? Will I be here FOREVER??! Even a year feels like forever right now…WHEN will I stop sweating 24/7…WHEN will I know anything about our process and when it will end? WHY is it taking soooo long!!! UGHHHHH!!! I could’ve screamed. I felt so overwhelmed, suffocated, and hopeless. Irrational? Maybe. But I’m being honest. And I told God all about it. I felt like He was still just telling me, “WAIT.” I told Him I’m tired of waiting!!!
But today after breakfast, I heard “His lovingkindness in the morning.” And it was so worth the weeks of despair - to be lifted up as only God can do. Russ, an older gentleman (in his 70’s?), is here doing construction and has been working with Miriam for many years. Every time he has talked to me this week it has always been about awesome things God has done in his lifetime. Today, he came up to a bunch of us as we were sitting at the table. He said he felt like God told him to walk back and tell us about a miracle he witnessed in Haiti years ago:
He came on a trip with a doctor and some “Holy Ghost filled nurses”. A Haitian woman came to them in labor. The doctor was not an OB, but there was no other option for the woman. As they were trying to deliver the baby, he saw a bone in her birthing canal that was blocking it. (Crazy, huh!?) The baby would not be able to come out. They had no tools or any way to get rid of the bone or deliver the baby another way. It seemed hopeless. But those nurses behind him kept praying and praying for God to remove the bone…and a few minutes later it was GONE!!! So the doctor delivered the baby but it was stillborn. Seemed hopeless again. He tried to revive the baby, but the baby was dead and not responding to anything. So the nurses started praying over that baby and all of the sudden the baby started crying!!! Russ said that was a miracle…but then he walked outside later and found the doctor under a tree reading a Bible. The doctor told him he wanted to accept Jesus into his life that day after the miracle he just witnessed. Russ said, “THAT was the real miracle…we put limits on God and what He’s doing, but God is limitless. We doubt what God can do. But He has no limits! God never changes…WE change, but God never does.” He’s always in control. Always. In situations where it seems a mother and her baby are both going to die in childbirth, God is in control and His power is limitless. When I feel hopeless like I’m never going to get to take my baby home and raise him at home with my husband, I need to remind myself that God is still in control! He knows what’s best for us, and He is limitless! If He wants us to go home soon – we will!! And if He wants me to be here to persevere and experience a difficult season of life, it is for a reason! And He has and will continue to send people like Russ to remind me of that. Sometimes I feel like I will need to get that lesson beat into my head every other day. I probably will.
Last night, I watched John struggle to push and pull a chair from the dining hall to the basketball hoop for ten minutes. I let him struggle because I wanted him to get as much energy out as possible before bedtime. His ENERGY is limitless! I wondered why he was working so hard at that chair, though. When he finally got it over to me, he pulled my hand down and said, “chita!” (sit). I melted! My sweet boy went through all that work so I could sit! He then pushed and pulled again for another chair and sat right next to me with pride. I love watching him grow, hearing him talk, and hugging and kissing him every single day. So, here’s to hoping I am over my personal stage of “terrible two’s” and living in the freedom of knowing that my God is able – to turn what seems bad into something beautiful. Isn’t that the story of our lives? I love that. When I’m as old and hopefully as wise as Russ, I hope I’m like him…always talking about the miracles and wonders our God has done in my lifetime! The low moments of despair in life only make the sweet ones so much sweeter.
Here’s a link and the lyrics to a song my awesome current roommate, Hannah, plays for me often:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxRQahH0cqAGod is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way
Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things
Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord our God is able!
