Earlier this week, I missed my first "bedtime" with John because I ate dinner late and he fell asleep before I could make it back to the children's home. I cried walking back to my room because it's my favorite routine with him. He gets so snuggly, rubs my face and pokes his little finger into my cheek a million times, stares at me with those two fingers in his mouth and smiles and kisses me...still with those two fingers in his mouth! I already missed 18 months of bedtimes with my son and I couldn't stand that I had missed one now.
God used that night to break me and open my eyes to a whole new world of pain that I hadn't thought of before. Miriam started talking about Pestel, the town John Gideon is from, and how much pain and suffering the people endure. The worst part is, it could be avoided in so many ways if only they had clean water. WATER! Sounds like such an easy problem to fix, but it's not. Miriam has spent years trying to get them clean water and it's just another example of how difficult things can be in Haiti...even harder than the adoption process by far!
Anyway, she was talking about how baby John would have died if he stayed in Pestel. She said, "Think of all the other 'baby Johns' up there dying right now." I can't stop thinking about them. I can't stop thinking about how I cried over one night that I missed my baby's bedtime. I can't imagine how broken those mothers feel every night, whose babies have died because they simply couldn't provide them with clean water or food. They will never get another bedtime with their babies. They will never get to feel their babies poking their cheeks and smiling up at them because they know how safe and loved they are in their mommy's arms. They will never get another chance, or know what their child would have grown to be like...I can't even stand the thought of it. And there I was, crying over one missed bedtime. All this time, I think about the orphans in this world and how terrible it must be to lose their families and have no one to love them like that...but I rarely thought about all the parents who have lost their children, for whatever reason, and have to go on living without them. I think it is probably one of the worst pains in this world. I have thought and thought about how to express what I'm feeling over this, but there are no words that do justice. If you are one of those mothers reading this right now, my heart aches for you but I know only as much as it can for not knowing that pain first-hand. How God's heart must break a million times more. Unbearably.
Part 2 of my week: Wednesday night I woke up with the stomach flu. The throwing up kind that you hate because it goes on through the entire night even when you have nothing left in you, and feels especially worse in a foreign toilet. I'll spare you more details. But I WILL tell you that I know John gave it to me - because he hadn't eaten in two days and kept saying "mal" ("bad") when I asked if his tummy felt bad in Creole. He also had some exciting diapers the previous two days. That same night, he was standing next to me and I heard a terrible sound coming from "down there". He laughed hysterically until poop started dripping down both legs through his diaper and onesie...not a pretty sight. I couldn't hold back those details! It's what makes you sure that you're a mother after surviving the clean-up and still wanting to prop that baby's butt back on your hip!
So, back to me: I cried over that toilet praying, "God, why here? I just want my husband or my mom. I don't want to be throwing up all night by myself here!" There was a team staying for only one night so all eight beds were filled in our room. And as I sat outside the bathroom waiting for the next round, one of the women, Diane, got up and started to take care of me. She put a cold washcloth on me and stayed outside the bathroom door every time I had to go back in. Then shortly after, another angel-woman, Jennifer, woke up and also sat with me. So here I am, without my mom and Matt, but God gave me two wonderful 'substitutes' who stayed with me through the night! Diane held the washcloth on me and read scripture and prayed over me while Jennifer rubbed my back and they both kept speaking encouragement to me in yet another painfully low moment...as I'm crying over how I'll ever survive being a mother in Haiti. I did not deserve that good gift, but He gave it anyway. I am realizing more every day in this country that I don't even deserve the cold water I have to drink and a perfect, healthy baby - let alone the grace and mercy from my Savior - but He gives it anyway. He gives it in abundance, He gives it in unexpected ways, He will give it to anyone, and He even gives it through painful moments...and for me that night it was in two women who gave up a good night's sleep to comfort me through the night...I was a practical stranger! At 10:30am Thursday, Miriam gave me a miracle shot in my butt to make me stop throwing up. My roommate, Ali brought me cold drinks and played "Mama" to me all day, and gave me reports on baby John. She also made sure he was sleeping soundly in his crib even though I had to miss another bedtime. I could write story after story of the amazing people I have met while here at New Life. Even though I am without Matt (and missing him more than I could ever describe), God has truly surrounded me with an amazing village here at New Life. And my son is surrounded by 100 brothers and sisters here who love and play with him all day long. I'm humbled by how the Lord has provided for our family. And now every time I go through the bedtime routine with my son, I will always thank God for giving me this precious time with my child and pray He will comfort those mothers aching over the loss of theirs. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but not even close to the harder things millions of people endure every day in this world.
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." My words are never enough, but His Word always is.
