strong, undeserved, beautiful...love.

Why did I ever think I could give parenting advice and judgments about other parents' lack of effectiveness before I had a child?! I thought I had every possible answer to any situation and my kids would be SO good all the time because I was going to be an AWESOME parent. No, my child would NEVER throw a faceplant tantrum kicking and screaming and they would ALWAYS obey me the FIRST TIME or I'd give them that evil teacher eye that I learned and always worked so well.

HA! Yeah right.

 I've never felt more aware of my ugliness and inability to be that perfect mom. It sucks. I know being in this situation adds some extra stress to it, but in general being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. I had been warned of that, but it still came as a shock to me! Lately I've felt closer to the edge of giving up than I have in the past 8 months I've been here in Haiti. The urge to go home seems to increase, but so is God's reminder to abide with Him even when I feel like giving up. I feel like I'm hanging by a small thread that -by the true grace of God- hasn't broken already. I feel unpleasantly surprised by my selfishness, bitterness, anger, frustration, impatience, doubt, fear, and incapabilities of being the perfect mom I "envisioned" I'd be. Thankfully, my mom friends have shared that they all felt that way, too. It still sucks, though. Maybe I should stop saying that word now that I have a two year old parrot.

I'll leave all my personal examples to your imagination, but I have been a mess lately. Seriously. And tonight as I was crying and reading and writing and feeling guilty of my failures, I just couldn't stop thinking about Matt. My husband. He has been so loving and patient and faithful and gracious to me even in all my (many) sobbing, breakdown, wanting-to-give-up phone calls. We've been married almost 5 years and I've always known he's awesome - obviously...I married him. But I had no idea he was as incredible as he is now that I'm struggling so much. He knows every thing about me and I've told him all the things I'm freaking out over yet he has never lost his patience, he always encourages me and believes in me, and loves me unconditionally even though I'm having a hard time loving myself right now. He works his butt off at home so he can provide financially and still take time off every 6-10 weeks to see us and he'll still stay up on skype til 3am with me reading and praying so I can stop crying and gain enough hope to be here without him another day. And he doesn't complain about it or make me feel invalidated. He is the rock of our family when Izaiah and I are melting down over here. I don't meltdown over candy or going to bed, but I think mine are probably worse and more selfish even than his!
 I can't help but think about how Jesus loves like Matt loves us. It makes me cry every time I think about him like that. How he could love me so much even though I KNOW I'm not the most pleasant person right now and my failures are laid bare before him. And side note that  I have to admit: I was SO exhausted and stressed that I forgot to brush my teeth today!!!!! THAT IS DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID I DO THAT?!? I have NEVER done that before!!! Eww.

Anyway, if Matt loves me this much and he's still a human, how much more does God love me? and the rest of you, too, of course. It blows my mind. Our wedding vows have become more real to us than ever - to love each other for better or worse, through any season of life... and it just makes Jesus' love and sacrifice of death on a cross more real to me than ever, as well. I think I can make it another day here in Haiti.  Because a God this loving does not ask us to do hard things that don't matter and He never makes us do them alone and His love doesn't depend on how "good" I am. I have lost focus on that lately and have been lost in the self-pity of "doing this alone" even though I'm really NEVER alone. I'm so thankful God has re-taught this to me over and over again through my husband.

 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Psalm 86:15

I'm so blessed and humbled. That I have a Savior who loves me unconditionally AND a husband. After living apart for 8 months, I know I will never let myself take him for granted. And I PROBABLY won't complain as much when I get home and he leaves his pants on the ground in front of his dresser. Or so he hopes... ;)

And I brushed my teeth twice already to make up for earlier, for those of you wondering...

STUDS! We celebrated Matt's 30th birthday last week since we will be apart on March 14.  Izaiah already had his hands in the last cup of ice cream that was supposed to be an exclamation point.

PS- We haven't heard an update yet but still praying for a miracle this week. We are praying God will soften the director's heart to sign our papers because God can do that! BUT, even if He doesn't, He's still good and answering our prayers in HIS time and His way. Thanks for praying faithfully for us! We need it!