Our hearts ache every single day that we are apart from our son. The past ten and a half months have felt like ten years. We've wondered: Did he get his first tooth yet? Is he crawling now? Does he wake up in the middle of the night crying? Is he walking? Running? Laughing? Playing nicely? Eating solid foods? How many teeth does he have now? Is he going to remember us next time we visit? Is he going to be mad at us for leaving him? Is there a spider in his crib?! Lord, does he have any idea that he has a mom and dad who love him and are doing everything possible to legally make him who they knew he was when they met him? Our first-born, dearly loved child. The one God whispered into our hearts before he was even conceived. The one we would give up everything for. The child who has taught us that we could love more than we thought we were capable of loving another person. The child who has also taught us how much our heavenly Father loves us...unconditionally and beyond all comprehension. Forever. We understand what it means now - to be adopted as God's children. And all the pain, tears, time, and money are more than worth it to be together as a family. In fact, it doesn't even feel like a sacrifice. Because our little (or BIG, depending on who you ask) John Gideon is the most incredible gift we've ever been given. This Mother's Day, I'm trying not to cry over all the moments and milestones we've missed of our 18 month old's life, and the fact that my journey so far into motherhood is NOTHING like I thought it would be. But God has been revealing the beauty and purpose in this time apart. I wouldn't trade it at all if it meant he wouldn't be our son.
Today I'm trying to think about all the firsts we have already shared with him. The first time I saw his beautiful face as he was crying in his crib. I scooped him up, looked into his eyes, and instantly as he stopped crying - I started. The first time he fell asleep in my lap as we were swinging on the playground. The first time Matt said, "No matter what people say is impossible, I know God wants us to do everything we can to adopt him anyway." The first time we got to pray over him as a family. The first time we saw a picture of him the day he was rescued - the youngest picture we have of our baby - a treasure. The first time we saw him six months later in December and he screamed at our whiteness. (We are pretty scary looking during Chicago winters.) Then the first smile we got out of him after giving him sips of our water bottle and smelling his "STINKY FEET!!!" The first time we got to rock him to sleep and be the first people he saw when he woke up in the guesthouse at New Life. The first time he looked at me like he knew - I am his mommy. The first time he was snuggled next to me one morning and I felt a little wet mouth on my cheek...I opened my eyes to his cute little face smiling at me, then snuggling his head back into my shoulder...my first kiss from my son! My heart melts to think about it every time. The first time he put the soap in his mouth and then stuck his hand in the toilet - squealing with laughter because of our disgusted reactions. We have already had so many wonderful firsts with him. I have written them all down. And we look forward to so many more.
The day when we will get to hear him call us "Mommy" and "Daddy" for the first time. The day we get to take him home on an airplane and introduce him to his new family and friends. The day we get to see his face the first time he goes to the zoo, or the pool, or rides a bike all by himself. The first day he goes off to school. The first Saturday morning that we wake up and make Mickey Mouse pancakes as a family. His first Christmas in our home. His first time seeing snow! We have so much to look forward to. So much to be thankful for.
In six weeks and three days I will have my son back in my arms. I will get to look into his adorable brown eyes and tell him again that I love him with all my heart. I will get to spend time learning more of his personality, his culture, his language. OUR new culture, language, and family dynamics. Because we are now a Haitian-American family, and so proud and thankful for that! Lord willing, I will not have to leave Haiti without my child ever again. God has moved mountains already, and we eagerly anticipate and ask for more!
"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1
